Thursday, May 28
birthdays make you old.
I am realizing more and more how much I appreciate reliability. Among the many other things I always associated with the desires of a much older, much more mature person.
I am approaching my birthday, and with it, the middle of my twenties. The exact middle, and i feel old. (technically the DEAD centre was 6 months ago, but for all intents and purposes, this is it)
I guess thats the point of birthdays, to remind us that time is passing. To make us stop and recollect our composure and reevaluate where we are heading. Otherwise it would just be a big forward hurl into forever with no direction or keeping track. It would be quite chaotic.
I use to romanticize spontaneity. I want to be wild and free and attached to no one and no thing. But there is a back fall to this kind of behaviour, and I am realizing that I have grown to expect people to be flaky, and frankly it is starting to piss me off. Our culture and this specific generation is suffering from the fear of missing out in a major way. We are willing to bail on anything and anyone for something better, no matter how last minute. The worst part, is that we don't even realize that we are doing it, and we don't understand that it is hurtful. It is natural for us. We've accepted it as natural in a society that pushes "self" more than "other" and that values doing what is best for you, no matter the cost.
But there has to come a point in the discussion where we bring up the other. Where we counter the cost of being flaky. I know people with pure gold hearts, that love and care about the world more than they have the capacity to. People who would live and die to support you and love you and make sure that you know they are on your side. But this passion gets distorted in those moments before a commitment, when the world is screaming at you to take your chance and do yourself a solid and ensure that you do in the moment what is best for you. Don't get me wrong, I am all about self love and am learning more and more what it looks like to assure i don't neglect my needs, be it a meal or an afternoon or in a relationship. But when did it become okay to step over others to fulfil these needs.
If often feels like we have once again adopted the mindset of those ancestors we too readily don't want to talk about. It often feels as though "self love" and "a focus on my needs" translates well with "me before you" and "my needs before your needs" and when it comes down to it "my worth before your worth".
Its not on the same scale, but selfishness is a word that we use positively in this culture and it's sad that that isn't shocking.
What happened to community and support and your needs before mine and commitment to the greater good. What happened to sacrifice and being a person of your word and living as a human on which other humans could depend on.
Im talking about consistent reliable behaviour. I'm talking about living out of love. Im talking about saying you will do or be something and then doing it or being it. Because the first is empty without the latter. The thought doesn't count anymore.
Self love and self care are so so so important. but they should not be our 100%. They should not take the place of caring for one another. If we all only look out for ourselves and we only care as far as is convenient to us and we start turning inward instead of outward; if we put all of our efforts in to bettering ourselves and our egos and our comfort levels, when we finally feel confident and ready enough to look out, we will only be faced by the backs of those strangers with whom we coexist, and thats not a world worth being your best self in.