Wednesday, October 1
I Don't Know Where to Buy Apples//Also Known as Letting Honesty Get The Best Of Me
Here I am in a new city, completely and wholly lost. This place is foreign to me and these people are foreign to me. I don't have routine, or a schedule. I don't have a regular spot or a frequented coffee shop. I don't have people that I should make time for, or catch up with. I don't know where to buy apples. I am at a loss to know what to do with myself.
Being 24 is weird. Im not sure if everyone else has it figured out and if I just missed that day in school, that day where they tell you what you are supposed to do with your life, but I feel pretty aimless.
I know about the bigger picture things. I know about loving God and loving people and letting that be my purpose in all that I do, but what exactly is "all that I do." I know about the idea of life. To live in intimacy with Christ, to strive to know him more, to grow in that experience, to fail and try again and accept grace and develop self control. I understand that this is what I am to achieve throughout my life and in my everyday. But I don't know what my everyday is supposed to be. I don't know whether I am to wake up early and achieve goals that I set or to wake up leisurely and enjoy the rest that I never allow myself to have. But it's even more fundamental than that. It's not that I wouldn't know how to achieve my goals if I set them, its that I wouldn't know what goals to set. I go to work and try new things and I try to get to know people and appreciate them for how beautiful and crazy and authentic they can be, ideally in the form of multiple group hangs, but I just feel aimless. I didn't move with a specific purpose, I just moved because it was time. Time for a new city and new job and a new purpose. Because I graduated and only initially lived in my previous city for the school. But I was so focused on the leaving, on it being different from what it was, on how I wouldn't be doing certain things anymore, I never thought about where I was going, or what it would be like, or what i would be doing. And the whole thing has caught me quite off guard. Im not depressed, at least I do not think that I am, based on my simple understanding of it, but I don't feel excited. I don't feel ambitious.
There was a period of a couple of months while I was in university where I got sad. I didn't know why and I didn't have an explanation for it, and the university offered free therapy so I went to try to find the answers to the questions I didn't have. It didn't help and I did't really learn anything except that I had somehow lost my ability to want for things in the shortish-longish term. She kept asking what I wanted for my summer, or my next year, or my life. She kept asking me if I could do anything with the next 4 months what would it be? And I had nothing. I didn't have any desire to come up with anything, not because I didn't want to do things, but because I didn't know what I wanted to do. I obviously have huge, hard to break down into practical steps, want for things. I want to live in a big city apartment with ridiculous wall art and write everyday, preferably for a coffee table magazine featuring articles about how beautiful space is and about the funny shit that goes down in the life of astronaut Dan. I want marry someone who is equal parts funny and hygienic and who motivates me to be a better version of myself while accepting me for all of the ways in which I'm psychotic. I also have super small immediate want for things. I want to buy tickets to Mother Mother, I want to wake up to the sound of my alarm tomorrow and not the sound of my phone ringing because I am late. I want to watch the newest episode of The Mindy Project and I want to eat this avocado without having to wait for it ripen. But I don't know how to want for things in the not so distant future. I don't know how to think about what I'm going to do with my life for the next couple of years and now this inability is posing a huge problem for my life.
People are busy. People are running around, working at building careers and taking care of families and setting goals and living their lives and I'm 24 and I don't know what that looks like. I don't know how to do that. I don't even know how to go to the grocery store, buy ingredients and make food out of them on a regular basis. It's like a big ordeal every time I do it and its always a disaster. I'm not good at it. This life thing. I'm not good at being a human.
Moving away more than ever has made me aware of my aimlessness. I thought that I was uncomfortable with the change that occurred last year, but I had no idea how the same everything was, and no idea of how unprepared I was to actually change anything. I have removed my self from my surroundings, my pointless routines, my acquaintances, my family, the places where I went to think, the places where I went to cry, the places where I went with people to have fun, the places where I went to get my car fixed, and the places where I went to buy apples. All the things I used to do to fill my time. Working to pay the bills, finishing a degree to get a different job to pay different bills, filling my time with people and music and things that I love. Is that what we we are supposed to do, just love people and love things and fill our lives with those people and those things? Because now I have less that I love in my day to day. I have more strangers and more free time and more sitting around wondering when somebody is going to tell me how to do this right. Wondering how to have confidence in my ability to do this right.
Maybe there is no supposed to. Maybe everybody else is just faking their way through as well. Maybe we all don't know how to be human. Maybe thats okay.
I just wish I could muster up the strength to care enough about something to do something about it.