The other day I went to the park in my old neighbourhood to swing on the swing set. By "old" I'm not referring to the neighbourhood I grew up in, nor the neighbourhood I spent my teen years running around the streets in. By old, I mean most recently left behind. Some days you just need a swing set. Some days are hard and some days you feel lost and you don't know why. Sometimes you just need to get your feet off the ground and let the rhythm of swinging calm you down, but sometimes you don't know where the closest swing set is. Change will do that to a person.
I don't like change. I don't like that I spent the day alone by choice. I don't like how the fear of people was strong enough to prevent me from trying.
People never used to scare me like that. People used to excite me and energize me. Show me sides of their complex, beautiful personalities that would reveal to me more of how I wanted to live my life, or more of how I didn't want to, but they never used to scare me. Its different and its new and I don't like it.
This year has been all about change. I moved into a new house and though its nicer, and cleaner, and quieter, it also takes me an extra 10 minutes to get everywhere and I don't know where the nearby park is, and the daylight comes in at all different angles and its weird. This year I also graduated from university, and I'm not going to camp for the first time in a long time and apparently now I am afraid of people. Change freaks me out. I like things to be what I expect and for people to be who they say they are and for them not to reserve the right to change their minds about anything. But its a double standard I hold because I refuse not to reserve the right to change my mind about everything and everyone all of the time. When things change around me, I don't know what to expect and therefore how to react or feel. And when I don't know what to feel, I get lost. I feel lost and unsure and different. I need to be able to embrace change so that I can change. I need to learn not to avoid the things that scare me. Like love or one day having a family to fuck up, or being an adult, or accepting short hair. Change is healthy, but that doesn't make me appreciate it any more. It doesn't make me miss knowing where the swing set within walking distance is. It doesn't make me less scared of it.