Monday, November 11
There are somethings that we don't have control over. We try. We really try to remain in control of our lives. We choose what we wear, what we eat, who we hangout with, what school we go to, what career we pursue. But somethings just happen and wether good or bad, we just have to let them happen. Because no matter how hard we try we can't prevent people from leaving us, jobs from getting hectic, situations from not being what we expected, exams from being booked on the same day, hot milk from burning our bodies, and love from going unrequited. It's life and its cliche but that doesn't make it hurt less. It doesn't make it easier to deal with. This spinning out of control.
I am supposed to be an adult now. At least that's what they say. I am supposed to be responsible and level headed and enjoy things like being an individual and chasing my dreams within reasonable limitations. I am supposed to be able to cook for myself and not rely on granola bars and soy smoothies because that's unbalanced and as an adult I know better than this. I am supposed to take chances at work and in love and I am supposed to understand what the fallout will look like and prepare for it. But I'm not prepared. I can't deal with my own life. I need to have a constant flow of caffeine just to stay awake and even then the only thing I know how to do is make myself so busy that I don't have to think about what to do. It's exhausting.
I am slowing coming to terms with the fact that life is more basic than we imagined it would be when we were younger. It's not always magical. It's not always an adventure. It's just day in and day out of trying to gain control over things that we keep promising ourselves we will let go of. It's a constant struggle everyday to stay on top of our own tendency to give up. And isn't it beautiful that we can't do it. That we fail at it and that we give up control. Because we also cannot control the best things. The moments where you're happy-hearted and in love with the little things that you had no say in. Like surprise visits and who your sisters are and falling into a comfortable rhythm with a friend. It is always the small things that build us or break us. It's not big dreams and big realities. It's making small tough decisions everyday without realizing that this is shaping your life. That your lack of shaping is shaping your life.
*title from Ben Howard's song "Old Pine"