Sunday, February 24
I am starting to believe that the ups and downs are inevitable. As long as we continue to expect things to remain the same, we will experience spiritual highs and spiritual lows throughout the course of our lives. The after-camp low is one that occurs every year. no matter what I do differently. no matter how I prepare. without fail. You go from spending everyday so focused on God and on his word and feeding your faith on it and lifting one another up in concentrated areas and time limits. And then it all changes. Suddenly you are thrown back into a world where jobs and school and people are and you have to fight every day for that time with him, for that community. But no matter how much effort you put in and how much you stay connected there will still be a change. Your environment has completely changed and its hard. We can't pretend that it will be easy, because it wont. But God has different seasons for us on purpose. He wants to show us deeper and different levels of his love and of who he is. We just have to trust him on that. We can't fall into the trap of thinking that just because it isn't concentrated and hyped up it isn't important. God is in the stillness. When the hype and the busyness ends, he is still there and it will feel like a low if we do not recognize that the difference is not bad. If we forget that it can be the quiet seasons that are the most rewarding, the most heart-changing. But when you forget and when you stop coming to him everyday and you have no accountability and when you feel distant and alone, remember that he is calling you to stop resisting the stillness, to fall in love all over again.
Friday, February 22
I dont remember where I saw it, but somewhere I heard or read that "people think girls are complicated but we're not. Just buy us flowers and tell us we're pretty and we'll be happy." Immediately I agreed. Getting flowers is probably the best thing. And not because its cliche, or because society has trained me into thinking its romantic. It became cliche for a reason. Flowers are so beautiful and fragile and when someone goes to the trouble of bringing you these little temporary beauties just to say they care, just to say they're thinking of you, or they're sorry, its the best feeling. So I agreed. I can't be more complicated than that. I could be happy with that. But then I remebered. I'm not that simple. I'm a lunitic.
I am probably more complicated than I'll even admit to myself. I get so twisted in my head and in my heart. I don't even know what I want to hear, or how to fix something, or how to understand myself, let alone expect someone else to. I get crazy and I don't even know why. I try to convince myself to drop things. To just walk away before they become these huge crazy messes, which they will. It happens literally all the time. And I know it, and I know I'm doing it, but I can't make my self stop. I can't be simple. I can't just feel what I feel and know what I want and walk away from disasters. I'm complicated. and I'm accepting it. But flowers would be a start.