Oh Goodness. this week has been an emotional train wreck. I have been up. I have been down. I have laughed so hard it hurt and cried so hard I couldn't breath. everything is up in the air, so I press on. There is a pink rose pinned upside down to my wall, drying out so that it's beauty will remain forever, well at least a little while. I am hoping that in all of this when I crash and burn, when i get to the end of my rope, when i am on the verge of emotional death, God will pick me up and hold me upside down. Taking the ugliness out of the end, and pulling out the beauty that comes when all we have in the world is to rely on him.
Thursday, March 26
Saturday, March 21
My head is pounding, my heart is heavy. I feel like I am trapped in a place I don't belong. where has she gone, the girl I used to be. The girl who didn't care anymore for you had taken her pain away. Sitting here, I realize that shes gone. that I let her slip away. I took the things that meant something to me and released them into the wind. I took things that I despised and drew them in, deceiving myself, telling myself that they mattered. the throbbing of my head has become so numb that I can no longer tell if I have a headache or not, nor do I care. I am here, looking up at you like you have got everything I need. Give me the strength, give me the courage, help me see what you see, for right now, what I see is scaring my to my very core.
Sunday, March 15
Saturday, March 14
This always happens to me in the middle of march.
I can feel the end of this semester creeping up on me like the thing that makes you run up the stairs as fast as you can when your the last one to turn out the lights and go up. I know its coming, and even though I cannot see it, its presence changes everything I do. I am feeling more and more the pain I have yet to endure when I say goodbye to the ones I love, fully knowing that this could be the last time I see them. I know this feeling, the pit of my stomach turns and my heart feels like it is being shoved through a tennis racket. I have experienced it before, almost to many times. I have hopes to come and visit, hopes to stay in touch, but hopes almost always fail me. I cant bare the thought of going through life without these people by my side. I cant wake up each morning wondering how they will spend their day, knowing that I cannot join them. I will miss you from the inside out, and although it seems as if it may be to soon to even think about it, we only have less than 10 weekends left. and the thought of summer brings tears to my eyes. Yes I am looking forward all that the summer brings. Yes I know that there can only be good things to come, but I cant help this feeling. The embers are slowing turning into ashes, and without more wood, there is nothing I can do to make it stop. I will never let you leave this place in my heart.
Everything beautiful comes to an end
Friday, March 6
This night smells of burnt ashes and broken hearts. I can't take the heat, I cant take the cold. The tension and bitterness has consumed most. Have we forgotten? Do we not remember our love? Passion so huge its life changing. feelings so strong the wind feels faint. Perfection is our enemy. Right now it seems huge. Right now the details matter. But when we grow old we will forget all but our love. we will collect dust on the hard times, only knowing that they brought us close together in heart. If anything these fights, the frustration, the hurt, if anything they should tell of how deep love goes. and love at its deepest can withstand the tension. love can withstand the bitterness. love can withstand the cold. Just remember the love. for after the ashes fade, and the wounds heal, it is all we will have left in the world. and it is all that we will need.
life is full of surprises.
surprise, today is going to be a wonderful day
I can feel it in the sunshine
and I can read it on all of your faces
regardless of yesterday
today is a new day
I spilt my cereal all over the floor in class today
correction someone else spilt my cereal all over the floor in class today
I still think it is going to be a good day
Monday, March 2
The Road Trip
"more down time than a person in a coma"
I did go to California
I did re-enact the scenes of the OC at Newport Beach over and over in my mind, and possibly a little in person
I did go to DisneyLand
I did stock up on my favourite American candy: Good and Plenty, although lately they have seemed to be Good and Not Enough
I did visit some of the most amazingly focused churches that God is doing miraculous things through... Does anyone actually realize how much god does
He is huge
I fell in love
With country music
With country music
I saw three turtles