I can't even deal with brown eyes.
Thursday, January 29
To you it may be just a duck, but to me....it's so much moreI stare at the clock while the numbers change, as this feeling develops in the pit of my stomach. A feeling so undefinable, so unfamiliar; but I know exactly why it is there and exactly what I have to do. I have been avoiding it for some time, though not able to pin point what it was until just now. I knew something was wrong, I knew that I was choosing to push away, I could feel myself giving in, but the reason behind it all was the mystery I was trying desperately not to solve. You showed me, I knew you would, because out loud I was praying for just that. but You also heard my heart, and how I was pleading for innocence to the matter. pleading that you would in fact not reveal it to me so that I had reason to continue on down this path, this path I knew was wrong. It was at this point that I knew, The battle was lost. I had been searching for the desire of my heart, of course in the wrong places, I tend to do that. Finally, there it was in front of me, all I had to do was reach out and take it; but ever since you showed me what it was, I knew I could not. I could not look into your eyes and take what I fully knew was not for me. So here I am again, giving up to you what was never mine to begin with, half heartedly dying inside as I let go, but relieved to know that it will be for good in the end.
how do I know?
The effects are already taking place. Even before I decided to give it up, I could feel myself reappearing. I didn't even know I was gone, but it all makes sense.
thank you, you made me realize
....I still need you
always and forever